This too shall pass

Things I heard today in the office:

"Man, these north face jackets are so sweet, but everyone has the ones in the sweet colors."
"Dude, that’s a little too gay for me. My gaydar just went up."
"Being a bum would be the easiest job. You just do nothing."

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know where to start. And so I am writing about it on my blog. Lame. But next time there is “bum” talk, I will pipe up. And same for gay talk. I thought once everyone gets past seventh grade this shit goes away. Guess not.

The best thing I overheard today that made everything better was my grandma asking my mom if she had ever seen The Nanny and saying what a hoot that Fran Drescher is.

No thanks

It’s Christmas time here at Dunley and Didley, PC, LLO. Just look at our festive holiday environment, and I’m sure you’ll be convinced that this is the place for you. (And we do this for every holiday, thanks to the folks at Office Environment Consultants, Inc.!) This afternoon is the firm holiday party, which means at 4:45, our runners will distribute cookies to all of the employees at their work stations and then everyone will call into a conference call and listen to a holiday greeting from the firm president.

We place great value on work-life balance here at Dunley and Didley, PC, LLO. For instance, one of our newest associates took last Monday afternoon off for an appendectomy. Another associate started sleeping at home rather than at the office after she had her baby.

We maintain a high profile in the community and support various unimportant non-political causes. Our firm has box seats to almost every athletic or cultural event going on in town. Of course, we don’t use them, but we always fill the seats with attractive people. Won’t you join our team?

Drawerings

A friend of mine is asking everyone she loves to create a self-portrait of themselves and submit it to her and then she will turn it into an album or something wonderful. She showed me her depiction of herself. Although she greatly overestimated her girth, the skill with which she wields a pencil is amazing. She is always dazzling me with secret talents. She kicks ass at law school even though she hates it more than me. She is generally brilliant and never forgets a thing. She is a talented ceramicist, painter, and writer. She can arrange slices of cheese and crudités on a platter in the most pleasing and precise arrangements I’ve ever seen. Her chocolate chip cookies are the best I’ve ever eaten and so too for her cinnamon rolls. She is hilarious and she is one of the kindest and most gracious souls on the planet AND she is for sure one of the prettiest girls around.

I am intimidated about my self-portrait project. I’ve never been gifted in the visual-arts department. I wonder why that is? Why some people totally suck at it and others rock it. I think it is something about brain-wiring and I don’t think me or my teachers could have done anything different with Child Melba to help her out in this department.

I’m thinking about my friend tonight and I have to post something on my blog every day because of a promise I made so I am writing about her because that’s what I am thinking about. I can’t write about anything besides what I am thinking about, right? I hope my friend is okay tonight. Her pet rat died a few nights ago and besides that she’s been dealing with a whole heap of shit. More shit than anyone should ever have to deal with. Is there a way that we can make it so only sucky people have sucky shit to deal with and the wonderful people of the world like my friend can be left alone? That's what I want for Christmas.

Fan Mail

And when I said that I was going to have a blog post every day starting December 16th, I meant December 17th. I really did. I meant that I would start this endeavor on the first day of my break, which is today, the 17th. I apologize for any confusion and beg your forgiveness.

How to start this habit of daily blogging? Not sure. First I’ll have to start a habit of daily writing. What will I write about? Prepare for things to get a lot more mundane around here. But first, I thought I’d answer some fan mail. This one is from a lady named Tancy who lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Dear Melba,

I’m a huge fan. How do you manage to post a blog entry every other month or so, while being a mediocre law student, working between 5 and 15 hours a week , going to yoga classes here and there, running and swimming when the mood strikes, and ignoring your family? Keep up your amazing work!

Fondly,

Tancy in Tulsa



Dear TIT,

Thanks so much for your letter. It ain’t easy, let me tell you. I couldn’t do what I do without my amazing self-discipline. I start every morning by opening my eyes, removing my headgear, and setting one intention for the day. My daily intention could be anything. Sometimes it’s ambitious, like last Tuesday when I set out to count how many times I heard the word “yonder” during the day. Other times it’s totally whimsical like last Wednesday when I set out to inflect the second syllable of every word regardless of where the inflection normally occurs. After intention setting, I do seven sit-ups. Then I head to the bathroom. [This portion removed by site moderator.] By the time I’m done there, it’s dinner time and I choose between a Hot Pocket or a Lean Cuisine, depending on my mood. If I’m not too full, I eat ¾ of an ice cream sandwich and throw the stub in a shopping bag that I keep in the freezer. (When the kids come over, I pull out the bag and let them have an all-you-can-eat-stub fest.) After dinner, I select a piece of classical literature from my collection of leather bound classical literature. I recline on my chaise lounge and wait for a boy to pop by to whom I will say, “Oh, I was just reclining on my chaise catching up on my Thucydides.”

This is what works for me and keeps me going. It’s different for everyone. Find what works for you, stick to it, and then you’ll find that all your hopes and dreams are within reach.

Kindly,

Melba

Things you might not know about me because they are not generally known because they are not true:

• I am a fitness fanatic.
• I live for college football.
• I take personal hygiene very seriously.
• I love cats and all small furry animals.
• I am trilingual.
• I am in Paris doing research for my fourth novel.
• I am allergic to nuts.
• I unicycle everywhere I go year-round.

She called me a what?

A writer! But I haven't posted in over 2 months...because I haven't written ANYTHING in that time.

What have I been up to in that time? Not studying. Hanging out with a boy. Riding bikes with friends. A good bit of yoga. Cooking and eating. Lots of cooking and lots of eating. And then pooping.

I recently deactivated my facebook account. I deactivated on "Black Friday" because I was seeing too many shopping and sales related status updates. Facebook made me realize that most people are much less interesting than they appear from a distance and that an alarming number of people with whom I interact on a daily basis do not distinguish between "your" and "you're" or "there" and "their."

I've tried to deactivate before but then I reactivate 5 minutes later just to see if anyone posted a photo of me or wrote a lame comment about someone else's lame status update. This time though, I announced that I was going off and that announcement has kept me true to my word (for the most part). And so I will make an announcement here to set a little goal for myself. During my upcoming winter break (December 16th to January 8th), I will post something everyday.

Here is something from earlier today.

Do I have to reproduce? Will I get bored if I don’t? Is there someone who would be with me and not reproduce with me? What will I do when my dinner mates start talking about soccer games and picking colleges? I will do the same thing I do now when they start talking about football. I will avert my eyes and wait it out. My eyes will be averted for forever.