I am not an asshole. I am not an asshole. I am not an asshole.

I have an asshole, but I am not one.

People talk about having voices on their shoulders. One is the devil saying, “Do it. It feels good. Go for it.” And then there is an angel on the other side saying, “Don’t do it. What would your mother think?” I don’t have this so much as one very heavy voice that is constantly telling me that I am an asshole. I live by this voice. I build my days and my life around appeasing this voice, so that one day it might say, “Oh, okay, I guess you’re not such an asshole.”

I don’t know where this voice came from or when it took up residency on my shoulders. No one has ever told me I’m an asshole. Most people who know me would say I am nice, conscientious, decent, funny, etc., and yet, here I am, certain that they are mistaken and that underneath I am a vile prick and one day everyone will know it.

Actually, I have a pretty good suspicion of where this voice came from. I’ve led a pretty fucking privileged life. I am white. I went to private schools. I have a wonderful family and had a pretty blissful childhood. Worst of all, I currently find myself in law school.

At law school, I am surrounded by many people who are similarly situated. Some of these people are bona fide assholes, and yet they don’t seem to have even a trace of anything like this voice. I know I shouldn’t resent them and their unwarranted self-assuredness because who knows what kinds of demons they have on their shoulders, but I do resent them.

I know that I am not an asshole. Although I provided the reasons why I am a likely candidate for being an asshole, there’s no need for me to provide the reasons why I am not an asshole. I just am not. I am flicking this voice off my shoulder. And in doing so, I am freeing myself from the fear and I am going to start living more fully, cultivating peace and joy within and without, god damnit.